So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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