There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
