Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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