the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
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God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
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Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex