You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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