So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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