Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
