Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
