So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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