is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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