guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
