dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
my shit smells like andre
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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