Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
