I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
last night I used snow as a chaser
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
