I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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