I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
