He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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