when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
