I cannot find my penis.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
