She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
