my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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