Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
