She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
