Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
