If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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