I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
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some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
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There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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