she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
