dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
