So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I have tasted many bathrooms
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
