I wish I could punch you in the face.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
