I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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