i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Blood and glitter go together right?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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