Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
