dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
