My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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