why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
honey bunches of taint.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
The power of my boobs compel you
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
