things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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