PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
my sisters under your porch take her home
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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