Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
