Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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