You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
You can't just leave with hair like that
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
