Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
