6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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