I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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