We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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