6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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