This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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