Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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