Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
