if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
