Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
