I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
We are all done wearing pants today
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
