Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
