She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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