um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
