haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
