god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
