Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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