I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
